Last week I wrote to you about gossip. I shared an acrostic that I find helpful in determining whether or not I should share information about another person. Before I speak, I need to T.H.I.N.K.:
T – Is it true?
H – Is it helpful?
I – Is it inspiring?
N – Is it necessary?
K – Is it kind?
This week, to encourage us not to speak unnecessarily, I want to share several passages out of Proverbs. One of the principal differences between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man exercises restraint in his use of words, while the fool has a hair-trigger lip. Proverbs informs us that sometimes words are better saved than spoken.
Proverbs 10:19 (NASB95) – When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.
Proverbs 12:23 (NASB95) – A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly.
Proverbs 15:28 (NASB95) – The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Proverbs 17:27 (NASB95) – He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
Proverbs 18:2 (NASB95) – A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.
Proverbs 21:23 (NASB95) – He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.
Proverbs 29:20 (NASB95) – Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Below are three practical guidelines for when we should save our words rather than speak:
- Save your words until you have truly and completely LISTENED (18:13, 15, 17).
Proverbs 18:13 (NASB95) – He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.
When someone else is speaking, listen attentively with your eyes, ears, and heart. Choose not to interrupt simply because you think you already know what they are going to say. Let them speak, ask clarifying questions, and then give a wise answer based on what they have said.
Proverbs 18:15 (NASB95) – The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
Note which part of the anatomy is seeking knowledge: the EAR! We have two ears & one mouth for a good reason. Some of us feel the need to talk and share our opinions. The wise person trains himself to be prudent by listening to others and even seeking out the opinions of wise people.
Proverbs 18:17 (NASB95) – The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him.
This is so important in counseling. It is easy to jump to conclusions after hearing only one side of a story. We must hold off judgment and be as neutral as possible until we have heard all sides.
- Save your words until STRONG EMOTIONS pass (12:16; 15:1-2; 17:27; 29:11).
Proverbs 12:16 (NASB95) – A fool’s anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor.
Proverbs 15:1–2 (NASB95) – A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.
Proverbs 17:27 (NASB95) – He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
Proverbs 29:11 (NASB95) – A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.
Most of us can think of times when we said something we later regretted because we were fearful, or angry, or defensive… If you are prone to experience strong emotions in difficult situations, tell your spouse / child / parent / friend that you at times struggle with your emotions. Inform them in advance that when you feel strong emotions developing you may decide to walk away for a while to avoid saying or doing something sinful. Walk away, calm down, then come back and discuss the issue in a calm manner.
- Save your words until you carefully consider WHAT to say and HOW to say it (15:28).
Proverbs 15:28 (NASB95) – The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Tact (sensitivity & skill in dealing with others or with difficult issues) is one of the lost arts of our day. I heard about a man who lacked tact. He just couldn’t say things graciously. He and his wife owned a poodle. They loved this dog. It was the object of their affection. The wife was to take a trip abroad and the first day away she made it to New York. She called home and asked her husband, “How are things?” He said, “The dog’s dead!” She was devastated. After collecting her thoughts, she asked, “Why do you do that? Why can’t you be more tactful?” He said, “Well, what do you want me to say? The dog died.” She said, “Well, you can give it to me in stages. For example, you could say when I call you from New York, ‘The dog’s on the roof.’ And when I get to London and call, you could tell me, ‘Honey, the dog fell off the roof.’ When I call you from Paris, you could add, ‘Honey, the dog had to be taken to the vet. In fact, he’s in the hospital, not doing well.’ Finally, when I call you from Rome, you might say, ‘Honey, brace yourself. Our dog died.’ I could handle that.” The husband paused and said, “Oh, I see. I understand. I’ll do better.” Then she asked, “By the way, how’s mother?” He said, “She’s on the roof.”
Wise people exercise restraint in the use of their words. Let’s learn to listen well, wait until strong emotions have passed, and then carefully and prayerfully choose what we will say and how we will say it for the benefit of others and the glory of God.