25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:25–33 – NASB95)
I remember back in March of 1985 when I went to Diane’s dad and to her mom to ask their permission to marry their daughter. I had no idea what they would ask me, and I prayed earnestly that they would say ‘yes.’ Prior to that, Diane and I were good friends for over 1 ½ years and then dated for about 9 months. During that time we spent quite a bit of time with both of her parents, so they knew me very well. That said, I was still nervous as to what they would say, and joyfully relieved when they gave an enthusiastic yes. I am eternally grateful that they gave to me the greatest gift I have ever received this side of heaven.
At that time, I hadn’t given much thought to what it would be like when I was on the other side of the story (father being asked to give away my two precious daughters, Hannah and Rachel). When it happened, I agreed with the comedian who said he felt like he was giving away an exquisite, priceless Stradivarius violin to a gorilla. I’m not saying that Patrick and Josh are gorillas but compared to my daughters… [Note: a Stradivarius will be auctioned in February 2025 and is expected to sell for upwards of $18 million. A fraction of what my daughters are worth.] I fumbled my way through a number of questions with Patrick & Josh, and in spite of my shortcomings, the Lord graciously gave me two of the best sons-in-law I could ever ask for. It makes our upcoming family time together for Christmas so very enjoyable and rewarding.
I believe parents have a serious role in helping their children find the right mate (see what the Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7). When Solomon (King Lemuel) conveyed the wisdom from his mother in selecting a wife (Proverbs 31), each verse was written in alphabetical order to make it easy to memorize and thus apply. As parents and followers of Jesus, we need to take this responsibility seriously, which will probably mean that we have to ask uncomfortable questions of a person who wants our child’s hand in marriage.
To my delight, I came across the following article about this very thing (www.challies.com). If you have children considering marriage, prayerfully consider how you might apply what is written below. It will ultimately be a blessing to your child and your entire family, especially at future family gatherings like Christmas.
Questions For the Man Who Wants To Marry Your Daughter
(www.challies.com)
(www.challies.com)
It is the conversation every father (or mother) of daughters anticipates having at one time or another—the conversation with the young man who has expressed interest in securing her hand in marriage and who now seeks dad’s permission. Apart from those few men who have been blessed with many daughters, most of us have just one or two opportunities and, therefore, relatively little experience with this conversation.
Before it was my time to have it, I sought the counsel of friends to consider questions I ought to ask and matters I ought to discuss. And I thought I would share what I learned in case it proves helpful to others as well. Of course, not every question will be relevant to every couple, but at least some of them are likely to be. So here are several questions a father may want to consider asking the man who seeks the hand of his daughter.
Questions to Ask
- Why do you want to marry my daughter and nobody else?
- What makes you think you are ready to be a husband?
- Would your parents, pastor, and mentors agree that you are ready to marry?
- What have you identified as some of my daughter’s sins and weaknesses? Are you ready to deal with those? How do you expect to help her with them?
- As best as you’re able, map out what you foresee for the next five to ten years. What do you expect to do for work? Where do you expect to live?
- Briefly, can you tell me how marriage is a picture of the gospel and how the husband is meant to serve as a kind of image of Christ within it?
- What is your financial situation and do you believe it is sufficient to support a family?
- How do you think my daughter will fit in within your direct and extended family?
- What church do you plan to attend and how do you think she will do within it?
- Have you begun to read and pray together? How has she responded to your initial spiritual leadership?
- What is your plan to keep my daughter involved with her family, especially if you choose to live at a distance?
- What is your plan for pre-marriage counseling and who will lead it?
- Do you have fun together? And have you found that you are also able to have serious discussions with one another?
- What is your plan to stay pure until your wedding day? How will you protect her and respect our family name in that time?
In many situations, it may be most suitable for the father to take a day or two to consider his response and, with his wife, to prayerfully consider it. That said, the answer is sometimes so obvious that there will be no need to wait before granting a blessing (or, conversely, not granting a blessing).
Requests to Make
Here are some potential requests a father may wish to make of the young man as part of granting permission.
- You will set and maintain strict physical boundaries and initiate a conversation with me, your own father, or your pastor if you transgress them. You will initiate this conversation rather than expect me to prompt you.
- You will acknowledge that you do not yet have spiritual authority over my daughter, yet will still begin to take some spiritual leadership if you’re not already doing so, dedicating some time to reading Scripture and praying together.
- You will continue to grow in godliness as together we look forward to the day when you will marry my daughter.