“Life is all about RELATIONSHIPS.” That is a motto I have been saying for many years. One of the greatest relationships you can have is with the person you can truly call your “friend.” By God’s grace, Diane and I have been blessed with many amazing friends throughout our lives. Many of them have moved away, so we often plan our vacations around visiting them. Our lives are enriched whenever we are around them.
I read an article a few years ago where the researchers concluded that American adults have fewer friends than a generation ago, and increasingly fewer confidantes. Twenty-five percent of those surveyed said they had zero close friends. For those few who do have confidantes, 80% turn to family, and are less likely to count on friends from clubs, neighborhoods, or social and religious organizations. The report said the chief causes for these trends are longer working hours, less time for socializing, and living in the suburbs.
The Bible has a lot to say about friends and friendship. Please read the following and evaluate your friendships in the light of God’s Word.
Definition of Friend.
In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word rea (pronounced ray’-ah) means a brother, companion, fellow, friend, husband, lover, or neighbor. It is used over 30 times and translated as “friend.” This can refer to an opponent at law (Prov 18:17), one who loves at all times (Prov. 17:17), or one we are commanded to love as ourselves (Lev. 19:18). The strongest form of the word friend means a “bosom companion.” It usually occurs in the O.T. in situations of betrayal (2:17) or estrangement (16:28; 17:9). These statements are reminders that even the closest friendships need guarding! In the New Testament, the Greek word philos is used 29 times as “friend.” It refers to someone you love, care for, or feel close to. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
Priority in Friendships.
The highest priority is our relationship with God (Mk. 12:28-30; Jn. 15:12-15; 2 Chron. 20:7; Is. 41:8). It is this relationship that empowers us to have better relationships with others (Prov. 16:7; Gal. 5:22-23). Perhaps you haven’t thought about the next one, but it’s God’s Word. Yes, God’s Word should be one of our closest friends, the one that gives us wisdom from above. It will also improve all your other relationships. Next is your spouse / family (1 Pet. 3:7; Eph. 5-6). Then your church family (Heb. 3:13). Finally, the lost people in the world. We practice hospitality (stranger love) with sincere motives. We build friendships with a purpose, to introduce them to our best friend, Jesus. But we don’t stop being their friend if they don’t follow Him.
Characteristics of Friendship:
- Genuine love. Like Jonathan & David (1 Sam. 18:1-3; 19:1; 20:17; 2 Sam. 1:26), our souls are knit together, and we love them as we love our own lives. You could read 1 Cor. 13:4-7 and insert the word “friends” where Paul uses the word “love.” “Friends are patient, friends are kind…” Do you love your friends like that?
- Constant. Not a fair-weather friend (Prov. 14:20; 19:4, 6, 7), but closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24) and one who loves at all times (Prov. 17:17). Friends even remain true to friends of the family (Prov. 27:10).
- Talk (Confront / Counsel). Friends share their hearts (transparent and honest about themselves). They will confront their friends and provide counsel. People who aren’t true friends probably won’t rebuke you. But true friends will take the risk & confront out of genuine love (Prov. 27:5-6; 28:23; Gal. 4:16). They will provide wise counsel (Prov. 27:9). Sparks may fly (Prov. 27:17), but it will be for good! “A friend is one who warns you.” (Old Jewish proverb)
- Listen. Friends don’t just talk, they listen. Dale Carnegie said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people, than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you.” While listening, true friends don’t jump to conclusions and get mad (Prov. 13:10) because they believe the best (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Friends are willing to receive rebuke because they are wise and want to be wiser (Prov. 13:1; 17:10).
An author named Jeremy Taylor wrote, “By friendship you mean the greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel, and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable.”
- Cover. “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8 cf. Prov. 10:12; 17:9). “Covers” means it doesn’t spread it to others. “Repeats” means to spread it to others or to harp on it over and over again. Friends refuse to gossip or spread slander (often disguised in the form of a prayer request or a concern and/or preceded at times by, “I said the same thing to them so it’s not out of turn…”). Gossip & slander are the greatest threats to friendships (Prov. 16:28; 17:9). It comes straight from the devil himself who is a slanderer and who loves to “divide and conquer”! What people need is grace, forgiveness, and the knowledge that the matter is over! When I am around people who speak negatively of their friends or family members I don’t feel safe! If they talk that way about others, they will soon be talking that way about me when I’m not around! I want to be a friend where the reputation of others is safe! An Arabic Proverb states: “A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
- Tact. A friend won’t overstay a welcome or force a friendship (25:17). They know how to read the room knowing what to say and how to say it appropriately (Prov. 27:14). They even know when a joke has gone too far (Prov. 26:18-19).
- Encouragement. To “encourage” is to infuse someone with courage. We all need this. Even the most incredibly gifted people have moments of insecurity, doubt, and fear. A great example of this was Jonathan with David during a particularly down period of David’s life (see 1 Sam. 23:16).
An illustration of this came during the Berlin Olympic Games in 1936. Jesse Owens seemed sure to win the long jump. The year before he had jumped 26 feet, 8 1/4 inches – a record that would stand for 25 years. As he walked to the long-jump pit, however, Owens saw a tall, blue eyed, blonde German taking practice jumps in the 26-foot range. Owens felt nervous. He was acutely aware of the Nazis’ desire to prove “Aryan superiority,” especially over black people. At this point, the tall German introduced himself as Luz Long. “You should be able to qualify with your eyes closed!” he said to Owens. For the next few moments, the black son of a sharecropper and the white model of Nazi manhood chatted. Then Long made a suggestion. Since the qualifying distance was only 23 feet, 5 1/2 inches, why not make a mark several inches before the takeoff board and jump from there, just to play it safe? Owens did and qualified easily. In the finals Owens set an Olympic record and earned the second of four gold medals. The first person to congratulate him was Luz Long – in full view of Adolf Hitler. Owens never again saw Long, who was killed in World War II.
“You could melt down all the medals and cups I have,” Owens later wrote, “and they wouldn’t be a plating on the 24-carat friendship I felt for Luz Long.”
From David Wallechinsky in The Complete Book of the Olympics
- Prayer. True friends pray with and for each other. And they ask for prayer (1 Thess. 5:25). God even told Job to pray for the friends who were falsely accusing him (Job 42). I have been blessed with friends that pray for me every day, some even more than once each day. When we pray together (in person or over the phone), our hearts are knit even closer together than before.
- TIME! To be this kind of friend will take lots of time. How does that work with our crazy lives here in Southern California? We say NO to things that don’t matter so we can say YES to more intimate friendships.
- Spirit-filled. The qualities needed to be this kind of a friend exceed our human resources. One must have divine resources to have this kind of integrity in a friendship! That’s why God must be our closest friend so He can live through us and be a friend to others! When we are filled with the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18ff), He gives us the wisdom and strength to be true friends with God, fellow believers, spouse, children, and the world.
A British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Among the thousands of answers received were the following: “One who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable.” “One who understands our silence.” “A volume of sympathy bound in cloth.” “A watch that beats true for all time and never runs down.” The winning definition read: “A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”
Are you a true friend?
Or are you a part of that statistic that doesn’t have many or any true friends? Decide today to BE A FRIEND! Commit to grow closer to God as your best friend. Begin to date and share your life more intimately with your spouse and your family. Join a small group so you can build meaningful friendships here in the family of God. Go out of your way to become a true friend to your neighbors. Then point them to Jesus so they can know Him as their best friend. Let me end with a quote I came across years ago:
What is a friend? Friends are people with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can be naked with them. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They do not want you to be better or worse. When you are with them, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent. You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you. Friends understand those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you. With them you breathe freely. You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities, and in opening them up to friends, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of their loyalty. They understand. You do not have to be careful… Best of all, you can keep still with them. It makes no matter. They like you. They are like fire that purges to the bone. They understand. You can weep with them, sing with them, laugh with them, pray with them. Through it all–and underneath–they see, know, and love you. A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself.
C. Raymond Beran, in Bits & Pieces, September 19, 1991, p. 3-4.